Create with Kim!

Today is Monday! This was my second Monday dedicated to writing, photography and abundance. Here is a quick list of what I have accomplished today:

• I talked to Sherry at Chapter II Books and next week will bring photos for her to consider (Monday before 2pm).
• I took 4, 8x10s photos of “Mist Woods” to be matted at The Art of Framing.
• Freewrites
• Edited photos
• Worked on possible postcards of my photos
• Managed Finances and set-up ACH Monthly funding of my Money Market Account part of my Suze Orman, save Yourself Plan.
• Subscribed to a magazine that I am considering as a possible market.
• Put the battery in my timer so I can be more accurate and push myself to write non-stop for 15 minutes (timed free writes).

The snow is gently falling now and I have fresh veggies for dinner. I feel calm and creative and hope to spend the rest of my evening in the studio.

I still want to come up with free write prompts and projects as I am feeling a bit scattered despite getting so much done. I ought to set-up my day to write first and everything else later. Tomorrow, before I leave to substitute teach in Ishpeming, I will do just that.

February is usually a bleak month for me, suffering from seasonal disorder, the lack of sunshine begins to take affect and I fall into depression. Where I am having some signs, I seem to be holding on better to hope and faith than in the past.

I am concerned about my weight. I have had too many people, students, children comment in some manner on my “shape.” I am not sure I ever wrote about my weight online before. I am 200 pounds (give or take 4 lbs). I wish to stay under the 200 marker but it creeps. I am active. Maybe not athletically fit, but fit enough to go on a fast-paced walk with 8th graders or a several mile hike. I do not “feel” like the reflection I “see” when I look in the mirror. I carry most of my weight in my core or center or in my abdominal area. This often prompts the question, “Are you pregnant. And then for a few days I spiral into self-esteem hell. Couple this with an arm injury that has had me looking for jobs I can do, or workouts I can do, or even how I can or cannot write/type and we have a new type of depression. I have no health insurance. And my doctor is not interested in helping me lose weight as my cholesterol and blood pressure, and sugars are excellent.

Okay this is the bravest post I have made, I think.

I try to avoid the word, “Fat.”

I try not to think of myself as “Fat.”

But I am well aware there are many people who look at me and think, “Fat.”

I have gotten hell from people in my life. My father when I was 115 pounds would repeatedly tell me if I gained much more weight men would not want me—no one wants a fat girlfriend, or wife. I was 5 foot 3 inches and wore a size 7. Yet, I was banished from the kitchen after dinner and not allowed seconds and verbally abused.

My massage therapy instructor would also harass me about my weight and say the same thing. Who would want me? It would be more healthful if I would lose weight.

Here I am in a healthy relationship with a man I love, deeply. Where I have injuries that stop me, I can do most everything I attempt. Where I might want to be more fit to climb steeper hills and mountains I know that it is an attainable goal. Yet I cannot accept my reflection. I am avoiding the gym due to my reflection (but I have paid my membership in full for the year and I also have a punch-pass for the pool). And, quite frankly, I am not sure I can change my “shape.”

How do I feel about this free write/post?

Shocked at the subject it turned into, Curious, Shy (but I am posting it anyway).